1.11.11

1st of November 2011

Is the day you left us. FOREVER..

It was your lunar birthday that day and the whole family promised to celebrate your birthday with you in the hospital. We went but couldn't sing you a birthday song as you were not feeling well. The moment I stepped into your ward, I feel scared. No, I'm not scared of you but scared that you will leave us. I pray so hard so that it will not happen as I'm really not ready to let you go. I guess that goes the same with everyone else. We waited until 9pm before mum decided that we just cut the cake and give it to others due to you worsen condition. However, bro, Chee How insisted on blowing the cake because it was your wish. It could be your last wish though. So, we lighten up the candle and brought in the cake. Bro told you the name of people in the room which is mum, How, Rong, Hsia, Boy, Ling and Jerry and you nodded. Each of us wished you Happy Birthday, daddy without the b'day song because we couldn't sing it. You tried to breathe hard enough to blow the candle but you can't. Instead, 4 of your children blow it for you, fulfilling your wish. The guard came in out of sudden and chase us out. The visiting hour is over but the guard seldom come and chase people out. Chee How told the guard that you are in critical condition but the guard insist that we either leave or wait outside. Not having any choices, we left reluctantly. How and I plan to go to hospital early morning to meet with the doctor to discuss if is it ok if you discharge. But you didn't give us a chance to do so. I was about to reach Prima Setapak where I received a call from Hsia saying that you have passed away. I don't know how to react and tears just drop. After hanging up, I told Boy the news and rushed Jerry to fetch us back to hospital. When we reached, I thought my siblings are already there but no, only mum and my uncle is there. I went into your ward calmly but couldn't hold my tears when I saw you lying down on the bed with your eyes close. My heart shattered into pieces. Knowing that you already left us forever makes me cry harder. You will not response to any of my actions anymore.. Losing you is like losing everything..

You are the shelter of my life throughout my 23 years of living. Now that you are gone, I find it very hard to accept. During the 3 days of your funeral, each time when I stand next to your coffin and look at you, I will cry because you left and will not come back anymore. Not being to talk to you every weekend when I'm back home and no one to listen to my ranting. You played an important part in my life. Everyone that knows me long enough will know that. I'm always a daddy's girl. Everytime when I faced any problem, I will run back to you because I know you will comfort me and find me a solution without fail. I miss your smile, your joke, your temper, and everything about you.

But I know, this is a better option than leaving you suffering. Seeing you in the hospital with all the tubes and injections really breaks my heart. At least now, you are not feeling any pain and you are free from disease. You are really a good father. Even after you left, you still settle my problem and make everything so smooth for me. You left on the week of my wedding. Initially, I was forced to choose between your funeral and my wedding. I really don't know how to choose but in the end, you make things right again. I can attend both without having to choose either party. Then, you reminded mummy that they have to attend my wedding as well so she came and talk to me about it. However, I cannot make any decision so I make her discuss with bro. She secretly went and talk to you the next morning and asked for your permission is it ok if they all go to my wedding and you said yes instantly.. Thank you daddy for being such a great father.

The impact of your death is so strong that I took weeks to finally being able to write a blog post about you. Even talking about it makes my tears drop. Now, I'm learning to let you go but that doesn't mean I'm forgetting you.. You will still remembered in my heart, forever. We are keeping your picture in the living room so that we can always see you and feel your presence. I promise I will take good care of myself, mummy and other siblings. Rest in peace daddy..

I really miss your smile..