The last day of the year

It's the time of the year again.. New Year's Eve..

This year particularly, I feel nothing about New Year's Eve.. Maybe I'm old and lost the passion to party on New Year's Eve..LOL.. But the main reason is I'm having a baby right now so it's not a right time to party and go places that is super crowded. And another reason is my best friend's father passed away due to cancer. I cannot attend his funeral because I'm pregnant. I feel extremely bad because I know this is the hardest time to go through as I just go through it 2 months ago. Life...is always unpredictable. The time when we thought it will be better, it becomes the worse..

I attended my cousin's wedding (bride side) yesterday and my grandma suddenly asked my aunt why my dad didn't go and fetch her.. When I heard that, my heart shattered.. Sometimes she remembers and sometimes she don't. Sad to hear that..

Anyway, I hope that 2012 will be a better year for me, my family and also my friends.. I will definitely miss my friends a lot..

Don't mess with me

I finally went home last weekend.. I went home for a while only last 2 weekends because I got things to do. It was a very nice feeling being home again but yeah, shits happened. I just don't understand why you all like to bully my mum and still thinks that you are right. Sorry, I cannot tolerate with this because I've lost my dad and the only thing I can do now is to protect my mum. No matter what happens, I will have my mum's back. So, don't play with fire as I'm not a very good person for you all to deal with.

Just one weekends makes me realized that I always deals with shitty people.. Shitty peoples as in people with shitty attitude. Yeah, I've met a lot of people like this. So, when exactly do they leave me in peace? People that I always thought I can count on and trust will ended up becomes the ones that hurts me the most. So, do I still value friendship? Yes, very very much as I still have a bunch of best friends that have my back. As for family, we still have a strong family bond with each other and I can always go back to them just like how I always go back to daddy last time.

I talked to my sister last weekend and realized that my siblings and I are facing difficulties accepting the facts that dad is gone. The pillar of my family suddenly left and we are so lost because he is the one settling everything for us everytime we face problems. I know time will heal but the emptiness is there. Maybe after my baby is born, it will fills my heart a little.

I will not tolerate with these kind of people anymore as in friends or anyone else. Maybe you can say that I'm very cruel but do bear in mind that things that you all did to me is many times more cruel. If I can take it like a man, why can't you? Just stop feeling sorry for me because I don't need it anymore. I can still survive very well because I have other people that appreciate me as who I am.

One month anniversary

Exactly one month ago, I GOT MARRIED.. I know I'm late to announce this but I got too many things to handle at one time. If you read my previous post, you will figure it out..

Anyway, I'm thankful and happy that my friends and family was here that day to celebrate my big day. Biggest regret will definitely the absence of my daddy but I know he is there, in our heart. My wedding did not have games and all but my friends makes it happy and memorable for me. Thanks ji muis! I didn't got married from my house due to daddy's death so i went and rent a room in Premier Hotel. It was tiring but I had lots of fun. Yeah, emotion ups and downs in one week is freaking tired. I guess my family is tired too but they are all there to witness my important day.

After one month, I still cannot believe that I'm married. Basically, I still live like before, studying and went home as usual. LOL. Pictures are all in facebook which includes my wedding pictures as well.

I got to know some nice people from the bridal shop that I went. One will be the girl that serve me, Suet and also the make up artist, Penny. They were really helpful and caring.. I feel blessed.. Other than that, throughout the whole process of preparation, my hubby did most of the work while me, giving opinion. Thank you, lou gong for everything. Muackss.

My husband's family

His heng tai!

Vs my ji muis

my family

Lastly, us..

Happy one month anniversary..

1.11.11

1st of November 2011

Is the day you left us. FOREVER..

It was your lunar birthday that day and the whole family promised to celebrate your birthday with you in the hospital. We went but couldn't sing you a birthday song as you were not feeling well. The moment I stepped into your ward, I feel scared. No, I'm not scared of you but scared that you will leave us. I pray so hard so that it will not happen as I'm really not ready to let you go. I guess that goes the same with everyone else. We waited until 9pm before mum decided that we just cut the cake and give it to others due to you worsen condition. However, bro, Chee How insisted on blowing the cake because it was your wish. It could be your last wish though. So, we lighten up the candle and brought in the cake. Bro told you the name of people in the room which is mum, How, Rong, Hsia, Boy, Ling and Jerry and you nodded. Each of us wished you Happy Birthday, daddy without the b'day song because we couldn't sing it. You tried to breathe hard enough to blow the candle but you can't. Instead, 4 of your children blow it for you, fulfilling your wish. The guard came in out of sudden and chase us out. The visiting hour is over but the guard seldom come and chase people out. Chee How told the guard that you are in critical condition but the guard insist that we either leave or wait outside. Not having any choices, we left reluctantly. How and I plan to go to hospital early morning to meet with the doctor to discuss if is it ok if you discharge. But you didn't give us a chance to do so. I was about to reach Prima Setapak where I received a call from Hsia saying that you have passed away. I don't know how to react and tears just drop. After hanging up, I told Boy the news and rushed Jerry to fetch us back to hospital. When we reached, I thought my siblings are already there but no, only mum and my uncle is there. I went into your ward calmly but couldn't hold my tears when I saw you lying down on the bed with your eyes close. My heart shattered into pieces. Knowing that you already left us forever makes me cry harder. You will not response to any of my actions anymore.. Losing you is like losing everything..

You are the shelter of my life throughout my 23 years of living. Now that you are gone, I find it very hard to accept. During the 3 days of your funeral, each time when I stand next to your coffin and look at you, I will cry because you left and will not come back anymore. Not being to talk to you every weekend when I'm back home and no one to listen to my ranting. You played an important part in my life. Everyone that knows me long enough will know that. I'm always a daddy's girl. Everytime when I faced any problem, I will run back to you because I know you will comfort me and find me a solution without fail. I miss your smile, your joke, your temper, and everything about you.

But I know, this is a better option than leaving you suffering. Seeing you in the hospital with all the tubes and injections really breaks my heart. At least now, you are not feeling any pain and you are free from disease. You are really a good father. Even after you left, you still settle my problem and make everything so smooth for me. You left on the week of my wedding. Initially, I was forced to choose between your funeral and my wedding. I really don't know how to choose but in the end, you make things right again. I can attend both without having to choose either party. Then, you reminded mummy that they have to attend my wedding as well so she came and talk to me about it. However, I cannot make any decision so I make her discuss with bro. She secretly went and talk to you the next morning and asked for your permission is it ok if they all go to my wedding and you said yes instantly.. Thank you daddy for being such a great father.

The impact of your death is so strong that I took weeks to finally being able to write a blog post about you. Even talking about it makes my tears drop. Now, I'm learning to let you go but that doesn't mean I'm forgetting you.. You will still remembered in my heart, forever. We are keeping your picture in the living room so that we can always see you and feel your presence. I promise I will take good care of myself, mummy and other siblings. Rest in peace daddy..

I really miss your smile..

Partly cloudy

My life turns dark suddenly.. It is not the fact that I want or wish to accept. But this is what we called LIFE.. We just have to accept everything that comes to us. Deal with it and go on with life.. But, I'm really really not ready to let go. So, I will just hold on as tight as possible. Maybe it is a very selfish act but I just wants you to stay longer..

I'm finally being able to see you yesterday. You were not the person I used to know anymore.. You are now getting thinner and pale lying on the bed. It hurts me so much seeing you on that bed that I wished it was me so badly. I really wish I can share your pain so that one day, I will be able to see the happy you again.

I really miss the old and healthy you..

Multitasking

Multitasking is what I'm currently doing.. I have a lot of things in hand and everything seems like never end. I'm stress out already because it's week 6 and I'm still in chapter 1 of my thesis plus my in hand assignment.. I haven't start.. How? I still got wedding coming very very soon.. Arghh.. Every weekend when I'm home, I have to help to do the house chores.. Hmm.. Now, I'm gaining weight and I'm freaking worried about it.. Coz I've gained so many kgs for the past month.. So, it kind of freaks me out.. How how? I need to be calm and relaxing but I just don't feel that way..

No time no time..

Lots of things happened lately.. I cannot digest everything yet so I've abandoned my blog once again. I guess I need more time.. But I don't know how long will it takes.

I've struggling between studies and wedding preparation. LOL.. I need to find time to do both. It is my final semester so I need to do thesis. The stress level had reach a higher limit. Just last week, I spend 2 hours to choose my wedding dress for photo shooting and wedding day. This week, I spend the whole day doing photo shooting. Now I know that photo shooting is very tiring. But being a typical female, I love changing clothes, putting on make ups and also hair-do.. It is really fun.. So, I really need to focus on my thesis now..

Pictures are lesser in my blog because I seldom take pictures nowadays.. I'm always busy with my task.. Sorry guys..

Lou gong went to Bali last Thursday and will only come back tmr. It is a company trip and I'm missing him so much right now.. =(